Monday, January 16, 2012

Little Bit of Life: The Dreaded Question

Well, I promised you a "Little Bit of Life" once a week.
And let me tell you, this week -- you're getting WAY more than you bargained for.

Sorry, in advance.

What IS the "dreaded question".....?
It goes something like this:

So ..... when is Lucy getting a little brother or sister?

That question, my friends, brings me to a very long story .... one that not a whole lot of people are familiar with.  And one that I probably shouldn't be sharing on my blog.

But then again ... why not?  It is part of me ..... my life ..... our life ..... Lucy's life.
Yes, I know SHE, herself, will probably be asking me that question someday -- probably sooner than I'd like to be answering it.  So, it is an (unfortunate) reality for her, as well.

And to be honest, I know my wonderful readers will have some insight for me.
Some encouragement.  Some words of wisdom.

You always do.  :-)

So, here goes nothin'.
To answer the dreaded question:  she probably won't.

And I hate even saying those words "out loud" because I BELIEVE with every inch of my heart, that God can do absolutely anything He sees fit.

But according to the doctors, it would be pretty much miraculous for a pregnancy to occur -- especially since one already did.
Yes, Lucy is truly a miracle.

As is every child ..... that goes without saying.
But Lucy?  Maybe even a little MORE miraculous than most.... (especially if you ask her mommy).

Going back in time ....
Scott and I were married almost eight years before we were blessed with Lucy.
For the first few years, I was taking birth control (biggest waste of money EVER!), but after that we just sort of had the "when it happens, it happens" attitude.  After a few years of that, we began to get a little concerned .... and I proceeded to go through every test possible to figure out what could be wrong.

The answer?
Absolutely NOTHING!

Might sound like a good thing ..... but actually, it was the most frustrating answer imaginable.

If there is nothing wrong .... then WHY am I not pregnant!?!

Many more months went by.

Hmmm....well, there was that one doctor who suggested Scott be tested, too ... perhaps we should try that?

So, off to the doctor Scott goes.
He came home with the cup that no guy wants to have to think about.
You know the one.
Well, maybe you don't .... but you can imagine.

The cup sat on the kitchen counter for about three months .... then got moved to a kitchen cabinet for three more months.

At that point, I suggested perhaps he should do what he was supposed to do with said cup -- just to get it over-with and cross one more possible explanation off the list.

And then.....?

I found out I was pregnant.

Of course ANYONE finding out they are pregnant (especially for the first time)- is ecstatic.  But ecstatic did not begin to describe it.  We had been waiting for this moment for YEARS.

The first couple of months was pretty scary.  We thought I was having a miscarriage more than once.

But for the most part, I had the easiest pregnancy possible.
And being pregnant, and then welcoming Lucy into this world was a joy like I never could have imagined -- as has being her parents and just getting to BE a part of her life every day.

So ....
(Because we were apparently still in denial), I went back on the mini-pill after Lucy's birth .... but then, a few months later, realized that was probably not a good idea, in the event that it take as long as it had the first time to get pregnant.  Although we didn't really want to have our children very close together, we figured - if it happens, it happens!
So ..... no more birth control.

That was three years ago.
After about one of those years, we started realizing that maybe the word INFERTILITY might actually apply to us.

Shortly after coming to that realization, we decided to get more serious about the matter.
We went to a specialist.
A good one.
He's even been on the Today Show!

After reviewing our records, he told us that he saw no reason why we would not be able to (easily) have another child...

 ".... oh, and even though you have a child (which, therefore means there's almost no possibility of Scott being the "issue"), he should probably get tested, anyway ... just to make sure all bases are covered."

Scott went to their lab later that day and did what he had to do.
(Sorry, Scott.)
(Don't worry .... he's since gotten over it ..... in fact, he's probably become a professional by now!)

By the end of that same day, we had our answer.

Much to our (and the doctor's) surprise, Scott's sperm count is ..... well ..... almost non-existent.
(Sorry, I know this is way TMI!)
The doctor's exact words, after explaining what Scott's numbers were vs. what "normal" numbers are .... "and the fact that you were able to conceive a child .... ?  I really don't have an explanation for that, other than a miracle."

Yes, that was a hard phone call to take.
Not one of my favorite days, for sure.

We have since spent months and months (and way too much money) on unsuccessful fertility treatments.

And these last few months, I have simply resorted to trying to accept it.

Now you have my story.
Whether you wanted it or not.

If I lost you somewhere along the way, I don't blame you.
But if you're still with me here .... can I ask you a few favors....?

#1) Please don't tell me that adoption is always an option.

We are VERY open to adoption.  In fact, adoption has been something I've been talking about since long before I was even married -- but we have also come to the realization that adoption is extremely expensive!  Not to mention, the 2-3 year process is daunting, to say the least.

At this point, I can barely wrap my mind around reality - much less throw myself into a 2-3 year, $30,000 process!

Why can't normal, hard-working people just walk into an orphanage and adopt a child that wouldn't otherwise have a family???  Why does it have to be SO. DARN. DIFFICULT???

#2)  Please don't tell me to be thankful for the one child I DO have because there are so many couples out there who aren't so lucky...
Believe me.  Thankful does not even begin to describe what I am.
There are literally not adequate words to describe how blessed I feel to have Lucy.

What is so difficult is that SHE is the reason we so desire to have another child!
(I am not one of those women who has this unceasing urge to be pregnant, experience the beauty of childbirth, yadda yadda yadda, again and again ..... although, my doctor DID tell me I should birth babies professionally after delivering Lucy exactly 20 minutes and one push after arriving at the hospital.)
But that's another story.  

Since having Lucy, more than ever, we want another child.  Lucy deserves to be a big sister!  She deserves to have someone to share (or not share!) her toys with, to play with, to be silly with, to laugh with, to argue with, to stick up for, to take care of.
She deserves to have someone to make memories with and share memories with.
And the feeling -- the reality -- that we (theoretically) cannot give her that is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever felt.
To say that it feels worse than back when we didn't know if we'd even have ONE probably sounds harsh, but in a way, it does.
Back then, we only had ourselves to worry about.
But now, it's HER that we worry about.
Her happiness is our #1 priority .... and I can't help but feel that she is going to be missing out on something.

#3)  Please don't assume that I have some sort of problem with only children - or couples who choose to have only one child.
I know there are only children everywhere.
I know some of them.
I teach some of them!
They are all perfectly normal, wonderful, happy people.
I am absolutely NOT judging anyone who chooses to have one child.
But I guess that's what it comes down to .... in most cases, (at least the ones I know), it was their CHOICE.  Their PLAN.
And this  ...... this was NOT. my. plan.

But I digress.
I am also very aware that THIS ... whatever THIS is .... IS God's plan.
And God is sovereign.  All-knowing.  Almighty.  And the one who planned out every detail of my life.
I know it is my job, as a believer, to abide in this perfect plan.

But if I'm telling you the truth?
What I really want to do is ask Him why He decided to let everyone else have babies without even trying, while I get to be heartbroken month after month.
(You do know that EVERYONE else is pregnant, right?)
Particularly the drug-addicted, welfare-receiving, homeless, teenaged, unmarried, ungrateful women.

Pardon my little pity party.
Just had to get that out.
It was kind of meant to be a joke.
Kind of.

No, but really ....
I don't want to be bitter.  I don't want to be resentful.  I don't want to be jealous.
Which brings me to my last request:
#4) If you are my family member, my blog buddy, my co-worker, my acquaintance, or ESPECIALLY my friend ..... PLEASE do not assume that because I am not pregnant - nor will likely ever be pregnant again - that you cannot tell me if/when you ARE pregnant ... or that I will be any less thrilled for you than I would have been if I had a dozen children of my own!
Because believe me, THAT just makes me feel a hundred times worse.
At least.

Okay.  I'm going to stop typing now.
Just as soon as I thank you for reading my story today -- and for being there.
And to the (very) few of you out there who already knew this .... thank you for your prayers and your encouragement along this journey.
It is appreciated more than you know.

Now..... come tomorrow, we're going to LIVEN things up around here and get HAPPY because there is an AWESOME GIVEAWAY coming your way!


  1. Thank you for having the guts to write this post. I will be praying for your sweet family.

    Take care,


  2. I had this huge comment written out and encouraging words. I realized you've heard it and you don't need to hear it more. All I'll say as that you sound very at peace with what God has for you and that's an incredible encouragement to me as my husband and I struggle with His path for us. So thank you. Also, you will be in my prayers. I'm not saying that flippantly. Every time that I ready your blog I'm making a commitment to you to say a prayer for God's will to be done in your lives and if it be His will, that you would have another miracle in your lives.

  3. Best. Post. Ever.

    I loved every word. I cried a little. And I feel like I know you a lot better. Thanks for sharing your story.

    God bless your sweet family.


  4. Oh poppit, I don't know what to say! It must have taken a lot to write this, I do hope you are able to find some peace with whatever the future holds.

  5. You don't know me, but I've been following your blog for a while just because I love your sense of aesthetics. Thank you for sharing such an emotional and raw piece of your life. While I cannot exactly relate with your exact situation, I have many friends and family members who can, and I will share this with them because it is so simply and sweetly written, with just the right twinge of humor. Praying for you and your family.

  6. Oh Bec, I can't even imagine!! You are SO brave to share this story with everyone! I LOVE YOU!!!!

  7. Oh my sweet friend. How I share your heart in so many ways. And the journey of infertility is so unique and individual for every family. So you are right...words meant to encourage can sometimes be discouraging because no one truly know our hearts the way God does. I love your transparency, raw and honest thoughts, and your God perspective on the whole thing. And your precious you share your mommy's heart for her is just beautiful. I think this post is just amazing and will reach many hearts. You are amazing.

  8. Thank you for sharing this! My sister-in-law only had one child and she was a miracle baby, as Lucy was. I'm not going to tell you to count your blessings, enjoy each moment, etc. because I am positive you already do! The Lord's plan is perfect and I admire your willingness to let His will be done. God bless you in your journey! You're amazing!

  9. How sweet of you to put heart out there like this! I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles and am amazed about your miracle baby! We have 3 children but both wanted to have a huge family like the ones we came from. But due to various medical conditions and miscarriages, it isn't going to happen. Not only do me and my husband want another baby, so do our kids. Now when our friends & relatives have babies (several times a year) or adopt babies (2 families & 3 adopted babies in the past 2 years) our kids talk about how much they want it to be us, as if it is just so simple! Although I can't say I understand your particular heartache, I do know the feeling of having empty arms.

  10. Rebecca, what strength you have to share this! I will continue to pray for you and Scott during this journey. I know how emotional it can be waiting every month, but finding strength in Him is the best thing you can do (as you know!) You guys are such a blessing to us. Love you guys! And we need to see you and Lucy again...soon!


  11. Crying for you. I understand and will try to email you.

  12. Have you ever thought about embryo adoption? What about a sperm donor? I hope God give you another miracle.

  13. Aw Cuz, I love you.

  14. XOXO!:) Sending much love to you and your family!

  15. People can say really weird things because they really don't know what to say. You handle it all with class! Thanks for this post - it is so nice to see bloggers "real".

  16. You are a wonderful writer and an extraordinary human being Rebecca. Thank you for sharing!

  17. Bec, my heart is broken for you. Thank you for sharing your story. Your positive attitude is very encouraging and uplifting! Thank you for allowing us into a little bit of your reality, your life, your dreams, your hopes, and your acceptance process. My husband and I are choosing to just have one, so Diego will be our only. Which comes with its own story. :) You may have just encouraged me to write about my story sometime. Its been on my mind for a while. Thanks for just being yourself here and so candid. I love your honesty. Hugs to you and your family! :)

  18. Thank you for sharing your heart here. We have struggled with infertility for seven years and now have two beautiful children through foster care adoption. I don't know if that is an option you have considered but it doesn't cost you a thing and you can request any age from babies to teens. I know that as you seek God He will show you what is the best path for YOU! :).

  19. Rebecca, I'm crying with you. Thank you for this post. I will pray that God continues to give you grace and strength. You are loved!

  20. Bec, I love you and your family dearly!!! This is an amazing post, I hope this gives you the feeling of relief and comfort in this situation. Like you said, God is in control and with you always. The girls LOVE LOVE LOVE little Lucy Lu and will ALWAYS be her play buddy! :)

  21. I am sorry for the heartache you and Scott are going through. I feel the pain through your writing of this post. I wish there was something I could say/do to make things better, but I know there isn't.
    I CAN tell you that I,too, am the mother of an "only"...not by choice, but by circumstance. I know Lucy might want another sibling, as did mine, but in retrospect, my daughter is actually thankful she was an "only". She and I are soooo close.
    The thing that has always made it better, for me, is that I have had many, many children in the form of students during my teaching and Scott are two of them!
    Bless you both...and little Lucy, too!

  22. Hi
    thank you for sharing your story and being brave to do so.. I guess its a little easier in a blog form than telling someone face to face. I too have an 'only'not by choice, we orginally wanted 4 children but unable. we have the big sign above our heads 'infertile' and we fit in the 'unsure'box of why we just simply cant concieve a full pregnancy. Yes, many years of ttc with many ways of helping - ivf through to medication to alternative therapies. we were annointed and through the Grace of God we had our 'only'he is now 5 and a happy content child. off to school in 2 weeks - yikes!
    we have been ttc to concieve since he was born with no luck, we get pregnant and i loose the baby.. its very heart renching, and no - noone understand why and what you are going through, so for me.. i have learnt - not to ask ppl if they are having children or having another as you dont know where they have come from..

    my one and only love him to bits.. and because of him i want another.. i want to share much joy with another like i've had with him. He is our one true miracle, huge blessing from God.

  23. Bec - sweet person whom I admire via this blog so I only know what I feel after I read it. Your blog takes me back 25 years plus when I struggled with fertility for 9 years until it finally broke the marriage.
    All of that is safely tucked in God's plan for me, but the words that struck me the most were "don't not tell me". My friends and family "protected" me from knowing about the whole world being pregnant and YES, the WHOLE WORLD was pregnant while I was not. To Bec's friends and families - don't do her soul this injustice. It may sadden her, but her faith is strong enough to let joy rise over it. The deeper sadness is that awful feeling of being left out of the good news. We all need good news, hopeful news, joyous news, even if it is not in our world at that moment. It increases faith. I now find myself at the other end of the spectrum - away from all my friends and family as I live and try to care for my mom, unemployed, - God's still they don't tell me of their get togethers, of their fun moments because they don't want to hurt. I want to know all of that is happening - it gives me joy (and yes, jealousy for a moment) that they do get together. It gives me hope that will still be going on when I can join in again. I can take it, Bec can take it. Share the joy - we all need the joy.
    Bec, perhaps God will bring cousins. My nieces and nephews mean the world to me and to their "cousin" who was an only. God has His ways that are more perfect than our ways. For the pain, you feel, it is real and I am sorry, but I can tell from your blog, you feel the joy as well.

  24. Hi! I happened to stumble across your blog while googling "craft DIY blogs" lol!!!! It must have been intentional though by the man upstairs because we are in the exact same boat you are in (3yrs and counting ugh) except we have not been blessed yet with our miracle baby :(. But to hear that you got pregnant with what you had to work with, is such a ray of hope for me!!!!!! You never hear of these stories and I'm so glad I got to read yours!!!!!! Put some fresh and much needed hope in my heart :)

  25. Oh man, this post spoke to my heart. I know you've been on my blog a few times and read a bit of we've gone through to grow our family. BUT, just because I had to go through it certainly DOES NOT mean that I ever want to witness anyone else dealing with these issues. It breaks my heart every time.

    I don't understand why some of us have to suffer from infertility while others do not. However, God sees the big picture and what greater comfort is there than that? May He wrap you up with His peace and comfort. XOXO

  26. You is smart, you is kind, you is important.

    Love u Bef.

  27. Thank you so much for sharing this. I will send you an e-mail with more thoughts.....

  28. I just stumbled across your blog and I'm sure if was God's Sovereign timing. This is my story only about 25 years ago. My delightful child is now 25 years old. I still long for more children, but I'm so incredibly thankful for my only and even more blessed now that he is married and I have a wonderful daughter in law. Continue to focus on what you have and what you don't have will gradually fade. May the Lord surprise you with how much He delights in you and loves you intensely.
    Blessings to your perfect family.

  29. Thank you for sharing your heart and frustration, I have a couple of friends who have gone through the same thing (similar) It sounds to me like your heart is breaking because you don't understand, in time you will accept it because your strength doesn't come from yourself, it comes from Jesus. In that comes peace, it is ok to struggle and ask God why, he already knows your struggle. Peace will come.

  30. I really really can relate, I can relate on almost all levels of this post except it was me that couldn't produce eggs, and it was my husband who wanted a 'baseball team' as he put it. I sat in the waiting room of every gyno office for four years asking these exact same questions.

    What I really want to do is ask Him why He decided to let everyone else have babies without even trying, while I get to be heartbroken month after month.(You do know that EVERYONE else is pregnant, right?)Particularly the drug-addicted, welfare-receiving, homeless, teenaged, unmarried, ungrateful women.

    What is even worse is I live in one of the top US cities for under-aged pregnancy. It was hard...very very hard.

    I did eventually have a baby. A beautiful baby girl who is the very best of me and my husband. She has the heart of an angle and knows she is loved. My pregnancy was difficult to and honestly I should have had a hysterectomy while they were doing the c-section. But, they didn't and thank god, because not 6 months later I was pregnant again. The pregnancy was a breeze, I felt like a million dollars. My sonogram said I was having a boy. All was righ in the world. This there was an emergency hysterectomy along with the c-section and there are times when I get resentful. Why did he tease me with such a breeze of a pregnancy to then take all options away.

    The health of my daughter has always been a balancing act. I guess what my message is...YOU are soooo not a lone in the questioning of the way the world works and why he does the things he does. The old saying of it only makes you stronger gets a bit old when you are hit with challenge after challenge. Sometimes I ask "Exactly how strong do you need me to be?"

    Ohh, also because my hysterectomy was at such a young age (30s) my Doctor wanted me to see a counselor. She said that it was perfectly natural to wonder what could of been and to mourn the lose of that from time to 5 minutes here or there. She said the way that our minds are wired...we grow imagining our life and what it is going to be like, so that then when something drastic makes that picture change it is hard to let go of it. She said it much better, but I hope you get the point.

    It does get better. A lot better.

  31. Oh Rebecca! I love you guys and yes, I would TOTALLY agree that Lucy is a miracle in every which way. She is very, very precious. One in a million. Ok, so given that you have a miracle child who says God won't give you another one? I just wouldn't be surprised. Put no limits on God but try to be content with what He has given you. It's funny how when we give up a dream and accept it that He sometimes steps in gives us even more than we asked for...

  32. I just discovered your blog while seeing your link up for your office redo. BTW very awesome and vintage.
    I can also relate to your pain. My husband and I have struggled with infertility for over 5 yrs. Ours is related to my husband's morphology. No reason for it and no cure. Great huh? We have to have the most advanced form of IVF. We also only have one miracle baby, Will, who is now 4 yrs old. I know your longing and sadness month after month. No one gets it nor will ever understand despite the fact that you have little Lucy you long to give her a sibling.It's a lonely isolating feeling. My only advice is to continue to hope and pray and get up everyday and try to find a way to smile.

    My DIY phase went into overdrive after we suffered a tragic miscarriage last year. I have found comofort and distraction in all my little projects. I do not blog nor feel I am talented enough to do so...thanks for your honesty. I feel infertility is a dirty little secret no one ever wants to talk about.
    Thank you for sharing your heart and your blog :)

  33. thank you for your candidness and I appreciate your request list. your little miracle is so lucky to have you as a mom!

  34. Hugs to you.

    I am with ya. And when I try to explain the sadness I have that my little boy almost 6 and is missing out on the sibling relationship, people don't get it.

  35. Reading this post had me sitting here in tears. We love you, Scott, and Lucy. I am praying God grants you another little miracle. Your strength in knowing God has a plan for your lives and trusting in it is admirable. If only we could always dwell on that in times when life seems hopeless.


  36. You did a wonderful job sharing your journey and feelings. It was brave of you. You have no idea how many people you have touched with your blog, your humor, your creativity, and the love of your family. My prayers are with you.
    You may not want to hear another tale, but it took six years between my two. You never know...
    Thanks for sharing.

  37. Isn't life crazy? That is the only word I really have for it - crazy!! I am truly sorry for your situation, but your post was wonderfully written and I admire your honesty and thoughts about your situation. My prayers are with you - He has the master plan!

  38. This post was highlighted in Lots of Link Love @ Stress Case. I hope you'll share with your readers, come check out some other fabulous posts, and consider linking up with me in the future! :)

  39. Thanks, I now feel less guilty for having some of the same feelings. We are slowly moving forward.

  40. Hi! My name is Sarah. I found your blog through Apartment Therapy...the pallet bookshelves. :)
    I can totally relate to you. My husband and I have a daughter who is three years old. She is our heartbeat. She is our miracle baby. I had a very hard pregnancy with preeclampsia. I delivered her via emergency c-section at 29.1 weeks. She weighed 1 lb. 11 oz. and was 12 in. long. Today she is a happy and healthy little girl. I am struggling with the "only child" thing too. I can opt to have another baby, but we are very scared since we went through so much trauma the first time. I am trying to give this decision up to God, but to be honest it is hard for me. Life can be so complicated and seem so unfair. I wish I could "just be happy with an only child", "be thankful that I have a child" I AM THANKFUL. I AM HAPPY. but sometimes that is not enough and so I keep praying and trying to live in the moment.
    You are not alone. :)

  41. I have started and restarted my reply many times because nothing sounded right. I wanted to say things like "I totally get it." "I know how you feel." "Been there, done that" But every story of infertility is different. There are things we all have in common. It's kind of like "The names have been changed to protect the innocent." Your words are thoughtful and poignant! I wish I could copy pieces of your post and call them my own because you said it just like I feel!
    So, thank you for your openness and willingness to share with a bunch of "strangers!" God is so wonderful to give us people like you.

    BTW - our adoption from Kazakhstan was about 2 years from the time we decided to adopt and quit TTC until the time we got our son and was around $40,000 (Thank God for rich parents!)

  42. Ohhhh Bec! I don't know how I missed this post... I am sorry for that. I but I have to say that reading it in the order that I did is just amazing. I cannot believe that this post was 3 short months ago! :) God is awesome! I am just so so so happy for you and your family, and for the big sister to be!

  43. Wow! Your story sounds VERY similar to mine. Our husbands have the same problem and you and I have easy labors. We had 2 kids via IUI and tried for a 3rd that way - didn't happen. So we started the adoption process only to get pregnant naturally. Sadly that ended in miscarriage so after a year we tried adoption again. So hard and I wish is were an easier less expensive process. After about 2 years of trying to adopt, I got pregnant naturally again. After lots of spotting and thinking I was miscarrying all the time, we finally had our miracle baby, even more of a miracle than the other two. I am excited to hear you are expecting again and wish you all the best! Siblings are great, their bond and love for each other is indescribable - that is until they get older and start fighting with each other :)

  44. Bec,

    Thanks for shareing your story! Ours is similar. . . It has been a long 5 years trying. I know the hurt that is in your heart. The struggle in knowing that God CAN do anything, and why he wont. It is not always so easy to trust in His plan :). . . and YES! Everybody is always pregnant when you are not. For me the hardest part was letting go of that vision of a big family. I grew up in a large family and love the relationships I have with my siblings and I think every kid shoud have at least a part of that. So I was hard to give that up knowing that if we just had one or two it would be a wonderful blessing. But the Lord knows us best and will teach us lessons se never thought we needed. I am SOO happy for you! I am sure the pain makes the joy so much sweeter!

  45. Stumbled across your blog by way of Pinterest & found this story. All I can say is Thank-you. From the bottom of my heart, Thank-you. Finally someone who knows exactly how I feel. It took us 8 years before my son surprised us. And now, 3 years & 2 miscarriages later and I can't help but wonder why everyone else is pregnant and not me. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

  46. I loved this, thanks for sharing. I'm going through infertility treatments and have a beautiful son. I too hope he has a sibling. Although my process has not been exactly or as painful as yours, your story still inspired me and has given me hope!


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