Well, I promised you a "Little Bit of Life" once a week.
And let me tell you, this week -- you're getting WAY more than you bargained for.
Sorry, in advance.
What IS the "dreaded question".....?
It goes something like this:
So ..... when is Lucy getting a little brother or sister?
That question, my friends, brings me to a very long story .... one that not a whole lot of people are familiar with. And one that I probably shouldn't be sharing on my blog.
But then again ... why not? It is part of me ..... my life .....
our life ..... Lucy's life.
Yes, I know SHE, herself, will probably be asking me that question someday -- probably sooner than I'd like to be answering it. So, it is an (unfortunate) reality for her, as well.
And to be honest, I know my wonderful readers will have some insight for me.
Some encouragement. Some words of wisdom.
You always do. :-)
So, here goes nothin'.
To answer
the dreaded question: she probably won't.
And I hate even saying those words "out loud" because
I BELIEVE with every inch of my heart, that God can do absolutely anything He sees fit.
But according to the doctors, it would be pretty much miraculous for a pregnancy to occur -- especially since one already did.
Yes, Lucy is truly a miracle.
As is every child ..... that goes without saying.
But Lucy? Maybe even a little MORE miraculous than most....
(especially if you ask her mommy).
Going back in time ....
Scott and I were married almost eight years before we were blessed with Lucy.
For the first few years, I was taking birth control (biggest waste of money EVER!), but after that we just sort of had the "when it happens, it happens" attitude. After a few years of that, we began to get a little concerned .... and I proceeded to go through every test possible to figure out what could be wrong.
The answer?
Absolutely NOTHING!
Might sound like a good thing ..... but actually, it was the most frustrating answer imaginable.
If there is nothing wrong .... then WHY am I not pregnant!?!
Many more months went by.
Hmmm....well, there was that one doctor who suggested Scott be tested, too ... perhaps we should try that?
So, off to the doctor Scott goes.
He came home with the cup that no guy wants to have to think about.
You know the one.
Well, maybe you don't .... but you can imagine.
The cup sat on the kitchen counter for about three months .... then got moved to a kitchen cabinet for three more months.
At that point, I suggested perhaps he should do what he was supposed to do with said cup -- just to get it over-with and cross one more possible explanation off the list.
And then.....?
I found out I was pregnant.
Of course
ANYONE finding out they are pregnant (especially for the first time)- is ecstatic. But ecstatic did not begin to describe it. We had been waiting for this moment for YEARS.
The first couple of months was pretty scary. We thought I was having a miscarriage more than once.
But for the most part, I had the easiest pregnancy possible.
And being pregnant, and then welcoming Lucy into this world was a joy like I never could have imagined -- as has being her parents and just getting to BE a part of her life every day.
So ....
(Because we were apparently still in denial), I went back on the mini-pill after Lucy's birth .... but then, a few months later, realized that was probably not a good idea, in the event that it take as long as it had the first time to get pregnant. Although we didn't really want to have our children very close together, we figured - if it happens, it happens!
So ..... no more birth control.
That was three years ago.
After about one of those years, we started realizing that maybe the word
INFERTILITY might actually apply to
us.
Shortly after coming to that realization, we decided to get more serious about the matter.
We went to a specialist.
A good one.
He's even been on the Today Show!
After reviewing our records, he told us that he saw no reason why we would not be able to (easily) have another child...
"....
oh, and even though you have a child (which, therefore means there's almost no possibility of Scott being the "issue"), he should probably get tested, anyway ... just to make sure all bases are covered."
Scott went to their lab later that day and did what he had to do.
(Sorry, Scott.)
(Don't worry .... he's since gotten over it ..... in fact, he's probably become a professional by now!)
By the end of that same day, we had our answer.
Much to our (and the doctor's) surprise, Scott's sperm count is ..... well ..... almost non-existent.
(Sorry, I know this is way TMI!)
The doctor's exact words, after explaining what Scott's numbers were vs. what "normal" numbers are ....
"and the fact that you were able to conceive a child .... ? I really don't have an explanation for that, other than a miracle."
Yes, that was a hard phone call to take.
Not one of my favorite days, for sure.
We have since spent months and months (and way too much money) on unsuccessful fertility treatments.
And these last few months, I have simply resorted to
trying to accept it.
So.
Now you have my story.
Whether you wanted it or not.
If I lost you somewhere along the way, I don't blame you.
But if you're still with me here .... can I ask you a few favors....?
#1) Please don't tell me that adoption is always an option.
We are VERY open to adoption. In fact, adoption has been something I've been talking about since long before I was even married -- but we have also come to the realization that adoption is extremely expensive! Not to mention, the 2-3 year process is daunting, to say the least.
At this point, I can barely wrap my mind around
reality - much less throw myself into a 2-3 year, $30,000 process!
Why can't normal, hard-working people just walk into an orphanage and adopt a child that wouldn't otherwise have a family??? Why does it have to be SO. DARN. DIFFICULT???
#2) Please don't tell me to be thankful for the one child I DO have because there are so many couples out there who aren't so lucky...
Believe me. Thankful does not even begin to describe what I am.
There are literally not adequate words to describe how blessed I feel to have Lucy.
What is so difficult is that SHE is the reason we so desire to have another child!
(I am not one of those women who has this unceasing urge to be pregnant, experience the beauty of childbirth, yadda yadda yadda, again and again ..... although, my doctor DID tell me I should birth babies professionally after delivering Lucy exactly 20 minutes and one push after arriving at the hospital.)
But that's another story.
Since having Lucy,
more than ever, we want another child. Lucy deserves to be a big sister! She deserves to have someone to share (or not share!) her toys with, to play with, to be silly with, to laugh with, to argue with, to stick up for, to take care of.
She deserves to have someone to make memories with and share memories with.
And the feeling -- the reality -- that we (theoretically) cannot give her that is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever felt.
To say that it feels worse than back when we didn't know if we'd even have ONE probably sounds harsh, but in a way, it does.
Back then, we only had ourselves to worry about.
But now, it's HER that we worry about.
Her happiness is our #1 priority .... and I can't help but feel that she is going to be
missing out on something.
#3) Please don't assume that I have some sort of problem with only children - or couples who choose to have only one child.
I know there are only children everywhere.
I know some of them.
I teach some of them!
They are all perfectly normal, wonderful, happy people.
I am absolutely NOT judging anyone who
chooses to have one child.
But I guess that's what it comes down to .... in most cases, (at least the ones I know), it was their CHOICE. Their PLAN.
And this ...... this was NOT. my. plan.
But I digress.
I am also very aware that THIS ... whatever THIS is .... IS God's plan.
And God is sovereign. All-knowing. Almighty. And the one who planned out every detail of my life.
I know it is my job, as a believer, to abide in this
perfect plan.
But if I'm telling you the truth?
What I
really want to do is ask Him why He decided to let
everyone else have babies without even trying, while I get to be heartbroken month after month.
(You do know that
EVERYONE else is pregnant, right?)
Particularly the drug-addicted, welfare-receiving, homeless, teenaged, unmarried, ungrateful women.
Pardon my little pity party.
Just had to get that out.
It was kind of meant to be a joke.
Kind of.
No, but really ....
I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be resentful. I don't want to be jealous.
Which brings me to my last request:
#4) If you are my family member, my blog buddy, my co-worker, my acquaintance, or
ESPECIALLY my friend .....
PLEASE do not assume that because I am not pregnant - nor will likely ever be pregnant again - that you cannot tell me if/when you ARE pregnant ... or that I will be any less thrilled for you than I would have been if I had a dozen children of my own!
Because believe me, THAT just makes me feel a hundred times worse.
At least.
Okay. I'm going to stop typing now.
Just as soon as I thank you for reading my story today -- and for
being there.
And to the (very) few of you out there who already knew this .... thank you for your prayers and your encouragement along this journey.
It is appreciated more than you know.
Now..... come tomorrow, we're going to
LIVEN things up around here and get
HAPPY because there is an
AWESOME GIVEAWAY coming your way!
